The Journal I Use When I Don't Want to Use The Other One

Sometimes I miss Us. 
Like right now.

hey you, sexy shirt.

; )

If it makes you feel better...go for it. Forgive me. Forgive me for the bad thing's I've done, like try to be friends with you. Forgive me for being hurt when you treated me like dirt after I tried to make ammends. Forgive me for letting you know I was hurt, and trying to be polite about it. Forgive me for standing up for what I believe in...myself!

I think it would have been extremely difficult to have had worse company tonight. I shouldn't have saved them seats. My ex-boyfriend is sort of a jack-ass. Ha. Who knew? (If that was a real question, than a rapscallion is a hip-hop onion.)Whatever, it was worth it.


Bad day, but could have been worse.
I think I need a Safeway brownie.

Why is it that when people really don't give a shit about how you feel they always say "Oh, that's too bad. I hope things get better for you."
Not just personal experience, but observationally as well. I think that's uncool. PRetty much.



Smoking is ridiculously stupid.

It definitely bugs me when:

* I'm eating pop-corn and I eat all the good ones first, so I end the experience with the crappy crunchy and kernley ones, killing the mood.
* boyfriends are stupid pigs.
* ex-boyfriends are still stupid
* ex-boyfriends are still pigs.
* my crush asks me who is taking my friend to prom (hmmm...)
* I procrastinate to the point of no return
* I finally actually know how to do something to fix a car, and the authority figure is not impressed.
* I have to go to work.
* happy rumors never come true.
* Keegan won't turn-in his damn Forum and thinks feeling me up will solve it.
* I have to miss press-night.
* I go to SAT math class and the teacher is like...alive.
* I can't get my stroke right in Dragon-Boating, and I'm a returner.
* People I can't stand are happy while I'm a little less happy.
* Buses are late.
* I have a bajillion things scheduled for Saturday and NOTHING scheduled for Friday.
* I get nagged.
* my parents argue. a.k.a. my mom nagging my dad, and my dad not reacting.(oy)
* I lose my id's and bus pass.
* all I can seem to do is whine.
* I don't use a day planner...which is all the time...


(to be continued with the positive twist on things)

Why must I be so damn diplomatic all the time?


Throughout my life, in every situation with a boy there has been some form of rejection or hostile behavior...which I tolerate. Over and over again, I look like this big push over. Pretending that its all alright. Well maybe its not all okay. Inside, I know at the time that the guy is being an asshole, or that something is wrong, but I then compromise and give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm not a damn saint. I don't know why I am so compelled to take the higher road. All I have to do is lower my standards for myself to um, human, and then I'll feel better, but I just can't figure out how to do that. I want to yell and scream and cry, and say "I'm hurt, fuck you, go to hell, I deserve better than scum!" and other mean yet pertinant phrases. But no. What do I say? I say..."I'm happy for you. I'm glad you're able to move on. I know you like her, and I hope that it all works out." And then a mope around feeling sorry for myself because no one knows how much I'm hurting, because I keep it all to myself.

Its weird though, at all other times, even with minor things, i am totally vocal and aggressive. But its when I'm hurt by a boy that I have to put on a happy face. How sad.

In other words...bitch bitch bitch, moan moan moan.


Maren

Fuck him.

I wish I felt "flirty"...uh, ever, let alone now. It's better than feeling like crap. Feeling like crap just sucks. I feel like I do everything wrong, that I'm unwanted and that no one gives a damn. Faaaantastic.


I really would rather have my pinky toe inconveniently stuck under a giant boulder right now. I think I would prefer that.

Damn,
I think I need some pi.

Ha, crushes are silly.

I don't know what I want to do with my life.

The ever-so common complaint of my age group and my generation in general. I feel like everything that I do is not what I want to be doing. Yet, if life worked logically, wouldn't what I do on a daily basis be based on what i WANT to do? And oh, it would be that way, if only I knew what to do. Meaning: Until I discover myself, or develop into a real person, I will be my own problem. My own worst enemy, if you will.


We're talking about setting achievable goals in health class, which really I am surprised I'm still awake for at all, and it has to be fitness related. I am choosing to built abdominal strength before the end of this 6 week period. I wish, though, that it could be any goal pertaining to health in general, because I would will myself to do more of what I want to do, and less of what I think I should do. Yeah there are have-tos, but there are no should-dos, and I want to stop pretending that there are, and letting the ficticious creatures control my emotions and decisions.

Sometimes I wonder ho long I should hold onto something which seems to be leaking away before I decide that it's empty. Maybe it's already empty. I should just squeeze it all out and end it, before anyone gets hurt further.